I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
