Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Randomize
