wakey wakey hands off snakey
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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