i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
