dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
you would pick up someone in the library
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I have aggressive nipples.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Randomize
