shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
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