I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
this boner is exhausting
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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