Dude my mom stole all your condoms
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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