Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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