well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
