I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
