I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
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