Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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