HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
