The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
