i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
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Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
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I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
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