I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
