if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
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you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
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He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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