HIV tests are more positive than that guy
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
