U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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