I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
