Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Randomize
