So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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