i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
