We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Randomize
