I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
