Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
