I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
