The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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