I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
