im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Randomize
