drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
