I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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