Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
