How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
