I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
My pussy is not your playground.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
