I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
