She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
