I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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