I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
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