Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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