I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
