The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
