are you still at the devil's house?
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Randomize
