Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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