I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
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