I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I am spending my child support on dildos
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Randomize
