I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me đ
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
how do you say âi know we havenât hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other dayâ without coming on too strong
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