I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
