Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
