I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
she told me i tasted like america
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Randomize
