I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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