Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
