Umm I'm too high to move.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
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you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
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The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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