he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Ive seen teh same guy pissing in the corner. Twice. Its eally weird. My frieds gonna do th funnel. Im so excited for her! Love, cori. Cuz its lik a diary.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
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