I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
