8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
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