I murdered the dance floor call the cops
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Less talking, more tequila
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
