I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
