I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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