Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
