i just wanna soil my oats bro
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
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