I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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