She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Randomize
